Pope Benedict Comes Out Of Retirement For "One Last Shot At The Title"
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit… Let’s get ready to rumble!
In a stunning announcement that shocked Catholicism fans everywhere, Pope Emeritus Joseph Ratzinger told reporters that he is coming out of retirement for “one last shot at the title”. Ratzinger, 92, known to opponents as “the Angel of Death” and the pontifical name of Benedict XVI, wowed the religious world by telling reporters that Pope Francis had agreed to a rematch. “I just want to thank Francis for the opportunity. He is a good man and I look forward to a fair fight,” Ratzinger stated in his slurred, punch-drunk voice before a crowded press conference. At his side stood his loyal altar boy Adrian, and his wizened 110-year-old trainer Mickey.
“I’m the best coach in the business,” Mickey told reporters in his gravelly Brooklyn accent. “And lemme’ tell ya’ bout’ this kid. He’s hungry! No amount of communion wafers will satisfy him! Sure, he’s a young punk, though! I was training pontiffs when this whippersnapper was in the Hitler youth. I’ve seen em’ come and go. You ever heard of a Polack named Pope John Paul II? I trained him. And lemme’ tell you this young kid Ratzinger has the fighting spirit and chin of John Paul II… Jack Dempsey too”. Mickey added that while the young Ratzinger is “not the sharpest tool in the shed,” he has “a heart of gold”.
Reigning champion Francis cast doubt on Ratzinger’s chances for regaining the title. In his palatial Vatican gym, Pope Francis, 82, jumped rope and practiced on the speed bag before taking a break to speak with reporters and sign autographs for adoring fans. Calling the retired pope a “jive-turkey,” Francis proceeded to give a masterclass in trash-talk worshipers have come to expect from the Holy Father. “The old man’s bid for the title is petulant, supercilious, impetuous, outrageous! When I step in the ring that honky will enter a world of pain. I will crucify him”.
Pope Francis knows a thing or two about the fighting. Growing up on the mean streets of Buenos Aires it was kill or be killed. Working as a bouncer, the young Jorge Bergoglio cut his teeth in booze-soaked barroom brawls before going pro as a man of the cloth. 44 years and 20 KOs later, Bergoglio rose to the papacy after defeating Ratzinger in a merciless display of pugilistic savagery that astounded Christians of all denominations. If Ratzinger seeks to win, he will need to train like never before. At press time Francis was seen bounding up the stairs of St. Peter’s Dome while reciting the Apostles’ Creed.
Although both parties have yet to agree on a date for the bout, the religious figures have decided upon a venue. A spokesperson for His Holiness Pope Francis announced today that the Roman Catholic Shrine of the Most Holy Redeemer in beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada will host the event. Being dubbed, the fricassee of the Holy See, the fight will be the richest in history with a Pay Per View cost of $105.45 and ticket prices ranging from $3,500 to $250,000.