David Koch Dead After Trying To Suck His Own Koch
New York, NY
David Koch, who amassed a multi-billion dollar fortune, died in his Manhattan penthouse after attempting to perform fellatio on himself, his brother Charles Koch told reporters today. A controversial figure, the petroleum industry titan and philanthropist poured millions into the right wing libertarian movement changing American politics for decades. But despite spending millions of his own money in an effort to destroy the welfare state and cast doubt on climate change, he was never able to achieve his life-long dream of sucking his own dick. He was 79.
Born in Wichita, Kansas the third of four sons of Fred Chase Koch. a petroleum engineer and American patriot who amassed his fortune building oil refineries for the Nazis, the young David no doubt inherited his sense of political zeal and civic pride from the family patriarch. A co-founder of the John Birch Society, Fred Koch worked tirelessly to alert his fellow Americans to the danger posed by the leftist president Dwight D. Eisenhower’s communist sympathies and dastardly plans to sap American men of their masculine essence by fluoridating the water. Such common sense conservative principles influenced David Koch’s later forays into American political life.
A patron of the arts, David Koch was fond of ballet and opera and he donated millions of his fortune to venerable cultural institutions in New York. His name appears on the cornices of Lincoln Center, the Museum of Natural History and Jeffrey Epstein’s Black Book. He is said to have adored the music of Verdi and would frequently play the Italian composer’s arias for his libertine friends in his subterranean sex dungeon where he was said to have engaged in sadistic carnal rites. These trysts, friends recall, would last for days and he would engage in them compulsively and with no joy.
While critics allege that the political causes he bankrolled served only to advance his own financial interests, those closest to him think of the oil and gas magnate as an idealist who sincerely believed that a stupider, crueler and more polluted world is also a better world. In his advanced years, the tycoon retired to his cavernous estate he dubbed “Xanadu” where in his last moments he was haunted by the memory of his long-lost childhood sleigh, valets report. He is survived by his various rotund offspring who spend their time designing garish, plus-size shirts at a loss.