Elizabeth Warren Unveils Detailed Plan To Apologize To Native American Community

Elizabeth Warren Unveils Detailed Plan To Apologize To Native American Community

Sioux City, Iowa

In a campaign appearance in Sioux City, Iowa Senator Elizabeth Warren (D, MA) apologized to Native American leaders and activists for “the harm she had caused” and unveiled a detailed 470 page plan to apologize to indigenous communities. Living up to her reputation as a political wonk, Warren rolled out the highly detailed and intricately worded policy project laying out a phased schedule of apologies beginning when she assumes office and continuing for no longer than a ten-year period.

“This is just awesome!” said Dan Pfeiffer, host of the political podcast Pod Save America, “As they say when it comes to Warren ‘she has a plan for that’. I don’t want to get into the weeds, but I must confess that I’m a bit of a politics nerd and I found the intricacies of this plan to be simply fascinating. That’s what I love the most about Warren! While other candidates might talk a good game, Warren has the brains and political chops to make it happen. Whether it be her plan to forgive student loans for Americans who meet very specific criteria or her detailed position paper allocating Pentagon dollars to mount solar panels onto Hellfire missiles, Warren knows what she’s talking about! Liz proves that she has what it takes to fight for average Americans and apologize for a stupid and offensive political stunt that we, in part, caused when we suggested that she take a DNA test to prove her Native American ancestry”.

In her remarks Warren directed the audience to Article 13, Paragraph C, Subsection 32 B wherein Native Americans could apply for apologies after providing proof of Native American ancestry and filling out several dozens forms on a website to be dubbed apology.gov. Center for American Progress president Neera Tanden lauded the plan stating “This is just like the ACA! I never knew filling out forms could be so much fun! There’s nothing better than spending hours of my spare time filling out forms and researching the apology plan that works best for me. If only every apology could be this wonky!”

Warren concluded her remarks by introducing a provision in her plan that would implement a tiered system of apologies based on the percentage of Native American ancestry held by the applicant. “This whole episode has caused me to reflect on my actions and I can tell you that this will never happen again. For this I sincerely apologize as you can see if you turn your attention to Clause C, Paragraph 2A, Subsection 8…”

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