Dog Blissfully Unaware Owner Is A Total Loser
A dog in Columbus, Ohio joyously greeted his owner today, entirely unaware that he’s a total loser, American Carnage has learned. George Hackett, a call center employee and the dog’s owner returned from work today to his loyal companion after receiving a verbal warning from his boss. As Hackett shambled gracelessly into his domicile after unlocking the door, his dog stood on hind legs and whimpered with delight. Wading through a sea of old newspapers and pizza boxes Hackett sifted through his mail before tumbling backwards onto his couch like a scuba diver. “Fuck!” the owner exclaimed upon reading a sternly worded letter from the electric company threatening to cut off his power should his balance not be paid in full by next week. As Hackett fretted over the letter, his dog’s tail wagged vigorously.
Making his way to his kitchen, Hackett soon discovered a Dear John letter from his girlfriend taped to the refrigerator door. The letter announced that his lover of three years had left and run off to Mexico with her Pilates instructor. As Hackett read the news, the dog couldn’t contain his excitement at the development of being reunited with his master. Opening the door to a barren refrigerator, Hackett spied only a container of leftover Chinese food and various bottles of expired condiments. Lacking any clean plates, Hackett proceeded to dump the contents of the Chinese food container onto a pizza box he adapted into a makeshift plate. As he ate the Lo Mein with a spoon from the pizza box precariously positioned on his cluttered kitchen counter, the dog approached him carrying a frisbee in its mouth.
Opening the drawer reserved for excess Chinese food condiment packets, Hackett retrieved a mustard packet and proceeded to open it as his dog jubilantly circled him. “Goddammit!” he exclaimed again as he squirted mustard all over his shirt, ruining one of his few remaining unstained clothing items he possessed.
“Let’s go for a walk Professor Scraps” Hackett said.