DOJ Appoints Alan Dershowitz To Investigate Death Of Jeffrey Epstein
In a crowded press conference this morning Attorney General William Barr expressed his shock and dismay at the death of alleged sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein and pledged to do everything in his power to investigate the matter. “Mark my words,” Barr told reporters “heads will roll. On behalf of the brave women who have come forward to accuse Mr. Epstein, I can only express my deepest regret that justice was not served in this case. I can only pledge to you that this department will leave no stone un turned as we get to the bottom of the suspicious circumstances surrounding Epstein’s death. For this reason we will implement a special commission to investigate this matter headed by one of America’s most distinguished attorneys. Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to Alan Dershowitz”.
After several minutes of applause, Dershowitz briskly strode toward the lectern as an assistant unveiled a visual aid which the attorney routinely pointed to over the course of his prepared remarks. “As you can see,” Dershowitz said “the only woman I have had sex with in the last 15 years has been my wife! For someone to claim that I received sexual favors from underage girls is ridiculous and frankly libelous. Anyone who suggests otherwise will receive swift justice from this commission!”
“While it’s true that I did fly to Epstein’s private island along with many of my friends in business, politics and entertainment to receive massages” Dershowitz continued jabbing the visual aid with his finger “I must reiterate that ‘massage’ was not a code word for sex and any physical evidence that would appear to contradict that is total hogwash”.
“This is a very serious matter,” Dershowitz asserted as he glared at the press corps sternly “We see no evidence that Epstein’s death was caused by anything other than suicide. I expect the fourth estate to report only the facts. I trust that you will all do your duty”.
It appears that Dershowitz’s assessments are quite correct. At press time all major media outlets report that Epstein’s death was indeed a suicide and any notions to the contrary are merely a figment of your imagination. Sources say that today is a beautiful summer day and you should probably put this out of your mind and just enjoy the weather while you still can. Go for a bike ride, take a walk in the park, have a picnic with your lover, just try to forget that this happened. We know you will eventually. Hell, go see a movie. I heard Once Upon A Time In Hollywood was good and it would be a great way to pass the time and forget about this nasty little incident. An unnamed source at the Central Intelligence Agency confirms that looking into Epstein’s death wouldn’t be a good use of your time and you should just drop it and move on if you know what’s good for you.