Dijon Mustard Stain More Sophisticated, European
You just got an invitation in the mail to a wedding in the Hamptons. Your best friend (who you secretly hate) is getting married and you want to make everyone on the dance floor jealous of your snazzy summer styles. Well, we got you covered at American Carnage. So take note and you’ll make everyone green, or should we say, yellow with envy. News flash, that shirt stained with French’s brand mustard is so 2016. Today it’s Dijon, Dijon, Dijon.
The condiment has been all the rage this summer ever since Jessica Chastain lit up the red carpet at Cannes last week in a stunning mustard stained gown. But fashion experts agree that Dijon never truly went out of style. Who can forget the young Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire, who thrilled audiences in his mustard stained T-shirt. Dijon was always big; it’s the pictures that got small.
There is a certain allure to le moutarde. Perhaps it’s the yellowish-brown sheen? Perhaps it’s the tangy taste? Perhaps we’ll never know? But while we may never discover its ineffable essence, we can all agree that the Burgundian mustard possesses a certain je ne sais quoi. Fashion icon Tom Ford concurs “as the mustard dries and begins to cake to the fabric it acquires a crusty elegance. Simple. Classic” the world famous designer remarked, dressed in an immaculate silk suit featuring a prominent mustard stain on the lapel.
Women seem to agree as well. At a speed-dating event in Brooklyn’s fashionable Williamsburg neighborhood we asked several veterans of the dating scene what they thought. Andrea Lins Martin, publicist for Dow Chemical and eligible bachelorette couldn’t contain herself when we asked her what she thinks of a man in Dijon.
“I don’t want to sound superficial, but if the mustard stain is a brighter hue of yellow like say, lemon or bumblebee, then quite frankly, he’s not worth my time. Now, the darker hues of mustard are what I look for. Condiments make the man. A Dijon mustard stain tells me that he respects himself and that he’s willing to go the extra mile to earn my affection. Mayonnaise stain guys on the other hand, are only interested in one thing”.
Martin went on, her eyes lighting up as she remembered an old flame “He was just my type: Tall, dark and handsome with broad shoulders and a devil-may-care attitude. Naturally he was wearing a white dinner jacket with a Dijon mustard stain. He was a corporate lawyer for Monsanto. He took me to Per Se and delighted me with his witty anecdotes from his days as an officer during the Siege of Fallujah. His knowledge of mustard was so impressive! He picked up the check. We went back to my place and yada yada yada… best sex I ever had”.
When one buys Dijon, one can expect only the finest quality and fasionistas in the region adhere to strict legal protections to protect its appellation d’origine controlee designation. Such old world traditions are a welcome contrast to American trends observed Chanel mustard designer Pierre Frottage
“Ze Americans are such fucking pigs! USA only country ver you leave house dressed like slob and blend right in. Yesterday I saw American wearing T-shirt with ketchup stain. He looks shit. My God, ketchup? I find it so boorish… so American. For me zer is only Dijon and on zis point zer can be no debate!”
Sadly, such accouterments will remain out of reach for middle-class Americans as quality jars of Dijon run upwards of $2.98 at most retailers. C’est la vie.