Open Letter To Herr's Potato Chips
I have been a loyal customer of Herr’s potato chips for over 40 years, and it is with great regret that I write this letter of complaint. Before I begin, I would first like to state that growing up, Herr’s have been a staple of my family’s kitchen and I’ve taken great joy in introducing my children to the good ol’ fashioned down-home crispy crunch that only a Herr’s potato chip could afford. Throughout my life Herr’s have been there. That famous day in 1963 when my wife Diane and I heard the eternal words of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. at our nation’s capital, we solemnly listened and chewed on Herr’s Original. To this day, I still feel that Herr’s are an embodiment of the American spirit. When my first son was born and my wife was in labor, I missed the delivery during a trip to the hospital vending machine to pick up a bag of Herr’s. Let me tell you, those were the tastiest chips I’ve had in my whole life. Lastly, I am a man of God and walk his path. I serve as a Eucharistic minister at my parish, and every now and then I like to slip in a few Herr’s Kettle Cooked Mesquite BBQ chips for the kids.
So, as you can imagine, it is with great displeasure that I write this letter today. As you and I are both aware, it is no secret that since 2005 (the year of James Herr’s forcible retirement) Herr’s products have steeply declined in quality. Under the guidance of the “guarantee” on the back of Herr’s products, I took a chance on a snack that I never tried. It was a brisk evening and my family was enjoying a cookout. At Diane’s suggestion I picked up a bag of Herr’s Nachitas Zesty Nacho Zesty Nacho Cheese. Pardon my Dutch, but they SUCKED. They were so bad not even Fido would touch them. I felt betrayed. Jim Herr made a pledge to his customers to make products with “the same dedication to freshness and crispness” that he makes his potato chips. Not only were the chips dry-heave inducing, but later that night I suffered from severe indigestion. This is not to say that these particular Nachitas were of poor quality, but rather were a symbol of the looming systemic problems plaguing the Herr’s company since the dismissal of Jim Herr. It’s sad that this patriarch, once a juggernaut in the high-stakes universe of the snack food industry, is now reduced to a shell of his former self: a pawn, in his son’s twisted game. With Jim consumed by senility, Ed seized the reigns of power and began a plot to squander every last dollar that his father had worked for. Now with Jim at death’s door, the transfer of power is nearly complete. I only pray that this letter reaches Jim before it’s too late.
It pains me to write this letter, but in order to set an example for our children I had to have my voice heard. My demands are three-fold. The prompt removal of Nachitas Zesty Nacho Cheese from the Herr’s catalog, and if at all possible the swift termination of whoever was responsible for this catastrophe. Second, the immediate reinstatement of Jim Herr to the position of CEO. Third, a complementary mug to placate my valid dissatisfaction. If you are unable or unwilling to meet these demands I shall have no choice, but to alert my friends and co-workers to the appalling state of this company. Furthermore, you should be advised that I have powerful friends in the snack food industry. I briefly operated an ice cream truck in Lancaster and made many lucrative connections.