Security Win: Facebook Has Announced That The Anatomically Correct Wax Sculptures Of All Of Their Users Are Locked Safely In A Secret Vault Underground
Coming on the heels of a Nationwide speaking tour, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced that the anatomically correct and completely nude wax statues of all users are locked in an underground vault in an undisclosed location.
The announcement is sure to allay concerns from consumers who have criticized Facebook ever since it started using sophisticated 3D modeling technology to map out the bodily contours of 2 billion active users with mathematical precision and render those impressions in the form of wax statues indistinguishable from their human counterparts. Facebook users are reacting positively and in a big way.
John Kennedy Rutherford, a Facebook user from Charlotte, NC welcomed the decision saying "at first I was concerned about a massive corporation knowing every last detail about myself and my loved ones’ bodies, but Facebook keeps me connected with my community and as long as the information is secure, I don't mind if they know the location of the sexy birthmark on the high school sweetheart I married".
Indeed, savvy consumers understand that if you want free services on the internet, you're just going to have to live with the fact that your genitals will be perfectly recreated in wax. While older users may be skeptical about allowing every nook and cranny of their body to be digitally analyzed and mined by private interests for marketing purposes, young people are far more likely to take their curves for granted and surrender them for a convenient service. Zuckerberg addressed this subject in a town hall meeting in Columbus, Ohio, stating, "Facebook users have nothing to fear. I am a wax figure".
Wow! Body acceptance FTW!
The announcement couldn’t have come at a better time. In the wake of alleged Russian interference in the US presidential election and missteps of Cambridge Analytica, which exposed the genitalia of over 145 million Americans, cybersecurity has become a pressing concern. In a nation-wide speaking tour, which wax experts believe could lead to a presidential run, Zuckerberg made clear that he shares users’ concerns.
“When I look at the gaping mouths and blank stares of the fully nude and 100% accurate wax replicas of all Facebook users, I remember my solemn pledge to protect them from harm. That is why I choose only the most accomplished Ivy League graduates to tend to the statues in the massive underground labyrinth somewhere beneath the Earth’s crust.”
Yes. Just yes.
So rest assured FAM. Zuckerberg understands the need to provide the anatomically correct wax copies of all Facebook users with the water and nutrients they need to thrive and if that’s not enough he has proposed an ambitious cybersecurity reboot to protect the sculptures from pests. Can you say #SecurityWin?