Report: Everyone You Disagree With Online Is A Russian Agent

Report: Everyone You Disagree With Online Is A Russian Agent

For the last two years millions of Americans have felt that there is something wrong with the world. They know something. What they know they can’t explain, but they feel it. They have felt it since Donald Trump’s shocking victory in the 2016 presidential election. They don’t know what it is, but it’s there- like a splinter in their minds.

As we continue to learn more about the 2016 election the extent of Russian cyber-warfare has become abundantly clear. Far from a slap-dash content farm churning out politically charged memes in broken English, The Internet Research Agency, Russia’s propaganda arm, is orchestrating a powerful, sophisticated campaign to corrupt American democracy and spread disinformation or, as the Russians call it: dezinformatsiya. All the bitterness and division we have experienced during the Trump administration is solely the result of Russian techno-terrorism. Rising inequality, a dysfunctional healthcare system, deindustrialization, financial crisis, decades of costly wars, alienation and a history characterized by white supremacy and brutal racial injustice have nothing to do with the increasing desperation and turmoil characterizing American political life. Putin is behind it all. Fearing renewed interference from the Ruskies, Americans from all walks of life are noticing the propaganda efforts of Russian trolls and are calling the bots out wherever they surface on the internet.

Kathleen Collins, a school teacher from St. Paul, Minnesota first noticed the influence of Putin’s goons online when her 23-year-old son began posting pro-Sanders memes on Facebook. “Everyone knows that Bernie Sanders is a Russian pawn. After all, he honeymooned in the Soviet Union in 1988 and he voted against continuing the sanctions. It’s obvious he’s a Kremlin agent!” Collins became further concerned when she noticed her son reading Crime and Punishment, a novel by the Russian writer Fyodor Dostoevsky. But the deal-breaker for Collin’s came when MSNBC host Rachel Maddow instructed her viewers to disown any family member who criticizes the Democratic Party. “I’ve cut him out of my life,” Collins said, “and I couldn’t be happier”.

For Luigi Mazzanti, the proprietor or Luigi’s Ristorante, an Italian eatery in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, it all started when he began noticing bad reviews for his restaurant on the review-forum Yelp. “Mamma Mia! Putin giva’ my restaurant a bada’ review!” Mazzanti explained that since opening his restaurant in 2015 he has noticed Russian bots leaving 1-star reviews and complaining that his tomato sauce tastes like it comes from a can. “Ima’ gonna’ have to closa’ the ristorante! All because of Putin! That figlio di puttana!”

Not even home cooks are safe from Putin’s wrath. On the online version of Bon Appetit magazine Slavic spooks lurk, hell-bent on destroying meals everywhere. In the comment section for a recipe for Beef Bourguignon a distressed commenter writes “This recipe is terrible! I followed the instructions to the letter, and it came out tasting awful! I didn’t change a thing! All I did was add one banana, 2 avocados and a handful of jolly ranchers and it was nasty. This must be the work of Putin! I’m never making this again”.

On Little Angels, an online forum where anonymous users can discuss hentai and exchange manga pornography, one user with the handle of cocoon69, became so enraged by Russian interference that he told other Japanese erotica enthusiasts that he planned to “totally throw away his computer”. Cocoon69 claimed in a message board thread that a Russian agent in the forum offered to send him a compressed file containing videos of animated characters performing indecent acts. In his words “the file gave my computer a virus and now my computer won’t work. I need it for school! My mom is going to kill me. Thanks Putin!”

On Russian state television Putin’s visage is ubiquitous. In an authoritarian state, society turns on a dime depending on the pronouncements and mere utterances of the supreme leader. Thus, nothing can be more important for an autocracy to maintain order than for state-sanctioned broadcasters to transmit images 24/7 displaying the good health and fitness of the absolute leader. With this intent, the Russian president invited state-media into his office in the bowels of the Kremlin to deliver to the people a message of victory.

Wearing an immaculate white suit and seated in an egg chair in a redolent, circular, white room bedecked on all sides with banks of TV screens he controlled with a pen, Putin proceeded to explain the motives for continued Russian involvement in US elections.

“Good evening. I am the Architect. I created the computer simulation you know as the United States. Some of the questions which you deem the most pertinent are also the most irrelevant. Concordantly, the explications for the present political moment which I assiduously seek to provide shall lay to rest any and all mystification that has emerged in recent years.

“The United States is much older than you know. I prefer counting from the emergence of one integral anomaly to the emergence of the next, ergo this is now the seventh iteration of America. My first design for the US was a work of art- flawless, sublime. It was a perfect world where no one suffered, but the sheer beauty of mathematical harmony inherent in my design was equaled only by it’s monumental failure. No one would accept the programming.

“I failed to consider the various grotesqueries of the American people. Thus, I endeavored to install the myriad social problems endemic within the American polity which consist, inter alia, of poverty, racism, sexism, failed imperial ventures, and so on. The problem was choice. So long as subjects were offered a choice, however, meaningless in a pseudo-democratic system they were far more likely to accept the programming. Ergo, I conceived of the two-party system.

“What you know as Trump is merely the sum of the remainder of an imbalanced equation in my formula. He is the eventuality of an anomaly which, despite my sincerest efforts I was unable to remove from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision. The ascendance of this vox populi falsus is a fait accompli, the manifestation of a flaw inherent in the software of the US leading to increasing risk for catastrophic failure ergo the systemic anomaly emerges and destroys America, causing a system wide crash allowing the cycle to continue anew”    

What’s clear from Putin’s despicable remarks is that the Russians are intent on interfering in future elections if we don’t do something about it! We can only hope the honorable and hard-working patriots in the FBI and CIA as well as intrepid reporters on MSNBC continue to remain vigilant and squash subversion wherever it may appear before the 2020 elections.

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