Robert Mueller: The Philistines At The Justice Department Will Never Understand My Art!
Seldom do I feel the need to take up the quill and defend my work from mouth-breathing philistines, but it has come to my attention that loutish vulgarians at the Justice Department have grossly misrepresented my work! Attorney General William Barr, that supreme boob, in his crude, unlettered summary has elected to do violence to my report! When I accepted a commission from Signore Rossenstein to write a report on Russian involvement in the election I was led to believe that I would be given sufficient artistic freedom to write a report of divine inspiration, to serve God and exalt Him and His splendors. For two years I have performed Herculean labors to realize this masterpiece, suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous obstruction of justice only to be slandered by the bawdy barbarian Barr! Pray tell, how is an artist supposed to work under these conditions?
Woe! My patron thrusts upon me the heavy yoke of a burden! When I was the Director of the FBI my benefactors left me in peace, free to paint my frescoes. Today, the clownish knaves seek to distort the words I have travailed to render on the page over countless nights working by candlelight.
‘Tis true I have been called a prodigy, but I freely admit that I am merely a vessel. Only the Creator has chosen me to serve as His instrument and I would be the saddest in the world were I to know that I were not in His grace. Though I am a lowly servant of the Lord, I humbly entreat you to remember the words of the Gospel according to Matthew: “that which you do unto the least of my brothers you do unto me”. Imagine the sorrow that afflicted my heart when I came to learn that 23 of my most beautiful sonnets had been redacted from the report, the words blotted out by ebony bars as black as the night! Imagine the pain of discovering that the connections between Trump campaign officials and emissaries of the Russian government, as I detail in the 133rd canto of my epic, shall never reach the light of day!
Yet I do firmly believe the callous injustices exacted upon me by the churlish simpletons at the Justice Department can no doubt be remedied by prescriptions I will enumerate presently as I conclude this epistle. First, the public must be free to read the integral body of my report including the sketches for the rudimentary flying machine I have designed. Second, matters of vital public interest relating to obstruction of justice and my scientific conclusions on the rotation of the celestial spheres must be disclosed. Third and finally, I require an increase of my stipend of no less than 3000 ducats per annum. Should these conditions not be fulfilled, I will have no other choice than to declare that I shan’t pen a report for the Department of Justice forevermore.