As Talk Of Impeachment Grows, Invertebrate Democratic House Speaker Adopts Measured Tone
In his first public remarks concerning the Russia probe Robert Mueller III declined to clear President Trump of obstruction of justice and seemed to suggest that responsibility now rests with congress to initiate impeachment proceedings. As calls for impeachment grow louder among the Democratic Party’s progressive base, several candidates including Senator Cory Booker (D, NJ) have staked out positions on the matter and have called upon the lower chamber to launch an inquiry. Invertebrate party insiders downplayed concerns, however, and cautioned that efforts to hold Trump accountable are futile and could redound to his benefit in the 2020 presidential election.
In a moist garden with plenty of shade Nancy Pelosi (D, CA) the Speaker of the House and common earthworm told reporters that impeachment was a "“non-starter”. “While it’s true that voters gave us a mandate to hold Trump accountable, Impeachment is unrealistic. The process will only help Trump and the president will use it to play the victim thus drawing his supporters to the polls, something he certainly will not do if we are wise enough to abrogate our moral and constitutional duty and refuse to impeach,” the speaker said as she slithered away leaving behind a trail of unctuous slime.
Senate Minority Leader and silverfish Chuck Schumer (D, NY) echoed those concerns. “The people didn’t elect us to divide the country. They elected us to stand face to face and allow our quivering antennae to touch then back off before returning to that position again several times. At that point voters expect the male to run away and the female to chase him, at which point the American people then expect the male and the female to stand side-by-side and head to tail with one another while the male vibrates his tail against the female’s. Finally, voters expect us to release a gelatinous spermatophore into the ovopositor. We’re playing the long game, people”.
DNC Chairman and Scabies Mite could not be reached for comment as he was seen burrowing into the skin of a wealthy donor at press time.