I Thought Yoga Was Supposed To Be Healthy, But My Yoga Mat Was Cursed With Carcinogenic Phythalates
I suffer from acute lactose sensitivity and when I am not in extreme pain, I am constantly looking for natural remedies to help alleviate the symptoms. I tried the tapeworm diet, kale juicing and even ear candling, but nothing seemed to reduce the extreme pain I felt. Ouch! But then a friend of mine suggested Yoga to me over a Chai Latte. I didn’t know the first thing about Yoga, but I would have done anything to reduce the extreme pain. The first thing the next morning I went to a Whole Foods and found a yoga mat in the extreme pain section and immediately began the search for a Yoga school in my area.
I soon happened upon a very well reviewed Bikram hot yoga studio not far from my workplace. I was a little off-put by rickety bridge that led to the entrance, but I tried to keep an open mind, plus it was a great deal on Groupon. When I entered I was greeted by Mola Ram, a Thugee high priest and very-talented Yogi. He was respected by everyone in the studio for his knowledge of Yoga and boy what a hunk he was!
My fellow yogis were the best company! It was like a big family. After Yoga class we’d often have get-togethers. Sometimes we’d have pot luck dinner’s at Mola Ram’s palace. “Behold… Snake Surprise!” he would say. Mola Ram was a great cook, but his dishes were a little too spicy for my taste.
At first Yoga seemed like a Godsend. The peace and tranquility I achieved within only a few weeks of practice was mind-blowing. Namaste! It was also a great workout! I lost so much weight during our weekly hot yoga sessions over a fiery pit of lava! However, one day when I was in downward facing dog, I found myself in extreme pain, even greater extreme pain than usual. I stopped what I was doing and went straight to the doctor.
“Have you been doing Yoga?” he said rolling his eyes. “It’s all the rage these days, but few people know how dangerous it is. I’ll have to run a few tests”. He gently struck my knee with a reflex hammer. “It’s cancer, I’m afraid” he said. “Colorectal cancer to be precise. We see this all the time when people take up Yoga”.
“Not cancer!” I said. “I thought Yoga was supposed to be healthy”.
“Yes, Yes. A lot of people think that due to a very successful marketing campaign by the Indian Ministry of Culture. What people fail to realize, however, is that these Yoga mats often contain carcinogenic Phythalates like DEHP, DBP, DNHP, BBP all infected with the ancient curse of Kali Ma” he said.
“Is there anything I can do?” I asked.
“Nothing, I’m afraid. Unless you can capture the relic of the jade monkey and return it to the fiery pit from whence it came”.
Leaving Mola Ram Bikram Yoga was the biggest hassle ever. For starters, I had to capture the jade monkey and return it to its infernal source. Not only that, but cancelling my membership also proved to be a chore. I had to speak to their secretary three times in person and didn’t succeed in cancelling my membership until I escaped the studio in a harrowing mine-cart chase. Sadly, I don’t think I’ll ever do yoga again. I think I’ll just stick to Pilates.