Radical AARP Splinter Group Demands Peace And Quiet "By Any Means Necessary"
The Aging in America Conference ended in disarray today as a vanguard of extremist seniors officially broke with the Association of Retired Persons. Calling itself the Provisional AARP, the splinter group declared a “war of attrition” against all forms of hoopla. In a communiqué issued by Provisional AARP Minister of Information Wendell Clapham, the organization called upon retirees to form small, autonomous cadres based on Che Guevara’s foco theory right after Jeopardy is over. Violent demonstrations dubbed “the days of age” soon broke out nationwide as elderly militants clashed with teenagers in running street battles throwing stones and petrol bombs. Acting on an anonymous tip, local police in Miami, Florida raided a condo and found Metamucil, Preparation H and pipe bombs along with financial statements linking the group to Wilford Brimely and Price is Right Host Bob Barker. In a grainy video discovered at the condo Deputy Defense Minister Ethel Kearny reaffirmed commitment to armed struggle until youngsters, people who wear low-riding pants and squirrels that get into their bird feeders surrender unconditionally. At press time the Provisional AARP announced that the group had further splintered into rival factions calling themselves The Real AARP and AARP (Marxist Leninist).