Adulting Like A Boss: How To Manipulate Your Aging Parents Into Cutting Your Siblings Out Of The Will
In recent years a slew of self-help books have hit the shelves providing Millenials with much-needed advice on navigating the perils and pitfalls of adulthood. It may seem self-indulgent to write how-to guides on being an adult, but facing a less than ideal economy, young people have turned to such guides as they grow up. 20-somethings have even coined a new word to describe their efforts to reach financial stability. Young people call it “adulting” and use it to refer to the tasks and rituals traditionally associated with adulthood e.g. paying the bills on time, having a mortgage and manipulating their aging parents into cutting their siblings out of the will.
Your twenties are the defining decade of your life, so manipulating your parents at this stage is key. Anything you can do to turn them against your other siblings while they still have their faculties will redound to your benefit once they pass away. So, pay close attention to these tips and you’ll be on your way to backstabbing your siblings and adulting like a boss.
1. Get the house by any means necessary
Most Americans store wealth in their homes. Which means that you’re set for life if you can make yourself the sole beneficiary in your parents will. Ever since you were a little girl you have hated your sister. Linda got the good looks and had everything handed to her because of that, but you got the brains. You remember the day she stole your high school sweetheart the night before senior prom, leaving you without a date on the big night. Ever since then you swore you would have your revenge and now that you are a 20-something that day is nigh.
2. Stay in your hometown after graduating
While spoiled little Linda left your hometown the first chance she got, drawn by the allure of the big city lights, you stayed behind: so much the better. It will be far easier to influence your parents if you can remain in their orbit. Don’t be afraid to make yourself the martyr. While Linda is at the Sorbonne you can tell your mother something along the lines of “I may not know nothing about no Paris, but Dayton, Ohio is good enough for me and I love you Mom”. That should work. When Linda enjoys success in her modeling career, insinuate that she is making a living as a high-end call girl. Don’t worry, once she marries her rich doctor husband; you still have plenty of tricks up your sleeve. If your mother was born before 1955, appeal to her ethnic prejudices: “I hear he’s Jewish”.
3. Be Linda’s Maid of Honor at her wedding
In the words of Machiavelli “It is a double pleasure to deceive the deceiver”. Naturally, you must accept Linda’s invitation to serve as her Maid of Honor. One of the keys to adulting like a boss is to employ the weapon of deception. Deception and moral terror are your allies. Be sure to put a lot of thought into your remarks. You’re going to want to pull out all the stops to make her believe you are a loving sister. Give an eloquent and touching speech. Cry if you have to. During the reception, throw yourself at the groom. Employ all your feminine wiles. Be sure to rig the reception hall bathroom with cameras beforehand to surreptitiously record your tryst. This will be a useful piece of blackmail and even if you never use it, you can always throw it in Linda’s face after you achieve your prize to make your vengeance that much sweeter.
4. Start a 401K
It’s never too early to start saving.
5. Move in with Mom
Once Dad croaks, you and your siblings will inevitably discuss what to do with Mom. Linda will suggest putting her in a home and thus provide you with the ammunition you need to turn your mother against her once in for all. “Linda wants to put you in a home!” you will tell her. “But I will have none if it! I’ll see to it you’re well taken care of, Mom. I’m moving in and that’s all there is to it!” Once you move in, set her up in the guest room with a TV constantly playing Fox News at blaring volume. This will make her more susceptible to see complex issues in black and white terms and will make her a more spiteful and angry person in general. Put one more nail in your sister’s coffin by telling your mother “you know, Linda is a liberal”.
The house is big enough for you to have most of it to yourself. Soon enough she’ll lose her hearing and you can bring home strange men every night without her noticing and have raucous parties upstairs cavorting lewdly into the high hours of the night.
6. End Game
After three or four years of Fox News she should be good and pissed. That is the moment when you slide a copy of her will through the door. She’ll grab a pen and do the rest. Years letter you can savor the satisfaction when the executor reads the magic words “to my daughter Linda I leave nothing”.