Market Bullish As Chaturbate Announces Plans To Go Pubic

Market Bullish As Chaturbate Announces Plans To Go Pubic

Last September Wall Street investors salivated over the ride-hailing firm Uber when the company announced its intentions to go public. After hiring Morgan Stanley as lead underwriter, Uber’s chief Executive Officer Dara Khosrowshahi set out to turn the firm’s $120 billion valuation into a reality. Nine months later, however, Uber is worth about half that figure. Last week’s Initial Public Offering is being described by financial analysts as a “train wreck,” with the stock market debut losing more money in dollar terms than any other IPO since 1975. Following this dismal performance, investors are looking elsewhere- turning their attention to an innovative California based tech startup providing sexually explicit live webcam performances. This week, Chaturbate CEO Thomas Thunderhead announced that the company would go pubic in November of 2019, a development that has investors feeling “excited” and leaving financial analysts with one crucial question: could Chaturbate be the next tech unicorn?

In a Ted Talk at the Googleplex in Mountain View, California, Thunderhead gave an electrifying talk before an audience of venture capitalists, computer programmers and Bay Area executives laying out his Promethean vision for things to come. Dressed in his characteristic black turtleneck, Thunderhead strutted on the stage, confident in his mission to make the world a more connected place through pornography.

“If you think about it,” Thunderhead said pensively, “Pornography is about togetherness. People don’t masturbate to what you do, they masturbate to why you do it. I don’t know about you,” the tech entrepreneur told the crowd as he gestured for added emphasis while vile images appeared on the screen behind him, “but I think pornography is the most accurate measure of vulnerability- a synonym for courage: the courage to watch pornography. And at Chaturbate we believe in courage- The courage to make the world a better place. So today I say to you,” the CEO intoned as a slideshow depicted images of refugees from war-torn countries “the next time you encounter an obstacle in life I want you to masturbate like hell!” Closing his speech to uproarious applause the legendary innovator- recently diagnosed with brain cancer- exited the Googleplex Campus and drove into the sunset in his Tesla Model S.  

Following the success of Thunderhead’s Ted Talk, it would be fair to say that investors are in nothing less than a state of euphoria. Gorging on venture capital from firms like Benchmark and GV, as well as mutual fund firms like Fidelity Investments the innovative pornographic entertainment startup has seen its private valuation rise to $69 billion.

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