Fuckin' Ugatz! 6 National Treasures I've Punched

Fuckin' Ugatz! 6 National Treasures I've Punched

I love America. Hell, I'd marry the broad if I could. I'm so doggone lucky to have been born in this big beautiful country.

But America would be nothing if it weren't for great fuckin' Americans like Ronald Reagan and John Wayne. These are the great fuckin' Americans we call "National Treasures". Some of them are still alive!

We all love em' and look up to them. However, if you've ever met one, you know that sometimes they can cross a line and when they try and act silly you gotta' let em know who's boss. I'm not saying I beat the shit out of them, I just slapped em around a little bit. So here for your reading pleasure are 6 national treasures I've punched.

1. Tony Bennett

We all love Tony Bennett. Who among us hasn't left his/her heart in San Francisco? I think we can all agree that Tony has a beautiful voice and the man can sure belt out a romantic ballad. I put him on whenever I am trying to slip my salami inside a broad. Above all he has a reputation for being a nice guy, but "nice guys finish last" as the saying goes. Anyway I see Mr. Bennett at a movie theater in Astoria, Queens. The sneaky prick tries to budge me in line. "What tha' fuck you doin' pal?" I asked politely. He insisted that there must have been a misunderstanding, thereby escalating the situation. He apologized, but I was not having it, so I punched him.

2. Mel Brooks

I ran into this creep at Katz Deli on Houston street. When he went in there the place lit up. "Look, there's Mel Brooks" they would say. Everyone sat in silence as he sang the theme to "High Anxiety" before erupting in applause. Then he did the famous "2000 Year Old Man" character. He stuck around for a bit, cutting up and making fun of the customers. "This is one funny Jew", I said. At first it was funny when he was mocking the other customers, but then he started making fun of me. Big mistake. He called me a "schmuck" and said I belonged on the set of "The Godfather". I don't take kindly to being insulted. I said "hey Mel, I got a new character for you... the 2000 Year Old Dead Man". He told me he was kidding, but I wasn't having it. Lights out, Mel.

3.Steven Chu

I ran into this Chinese creep at a reception near the local college. I was between jobs and some drunk in a bar told me about a catering gig at an upcoming academic conference. The pay was fine, plus I got a temporary campus ID which made it a lot easier to get into the female dorms. Anyway, this prick got a Napoli prize in physics or some shit. He gave some long ass speech about some particle bull shit. After the speech everyone exited to the reception hall. I was walking around the hall with a dish and handing out cocktail shrimp when this fucker just started helping himself to it. "Hey! That's your fifth shrimp already!" I said, "why don't you save some for the other guests!" He pretended not to understand me, so I punched him. He tried to fight back, but no one is safe when I throw the haymaker. I don't play that Kung Fu shit.

4. Muhammad Ali

This guy looks a lot tougher on TV. I heard that this guy was the greatest heavyweight boxer of all time, but when I met him in 2012 he wasn't all he was cracked up to be. Even in his prime he would just hang on the ropes and let himself get punched. Nothing has changed since then. When I attacked him he didn't know what was happening and just cowered in the corner. Fuckin' stunad!

5. Betty White

When I met this old dame at the Los Angeles Zoo she was cursing like a sailor. I said "Hey bitch! Why don't you wash your mouth out with fuckin' soap? There are fuckin' children around! someone could hear. Fuckouttahere." She told me to shove it up my ass, so I sucker punched her. Sure, she got a few lucky punches in, but I would have won the fight if I wasn't so sore from working out.

6. Jimmy Carter

After that catering gig fell through the old drunk told me I could apply for low-income housing. After I was approved I went to the housing site and found this old fuck takin' his sweet ass time on my new palace. "Let's go, while we're young!" I said. "Hello, sir" the geezer replied. "You're house will be ready soon. No need to thank me. 'For every house is built by someone, but the builder of all things is god' as it says in the Bible". "I don't give a fuck what he says! Get back to work you fuckin' lazy, jadrool bastard!". So yeah, I punched him.







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