Western Civilization in Jeopardy As NetherRealm Studios Refuses To Put Mortal Kombat 11 Character Sheeva In Skimpy Costume
For four years gamers have eagerly awaited the next chapter in everyone’s favorite gore-packed horror-fantasy fighting game. I am of course referring to Mortal Kombat. At long last on April 23rd, NetherRealm studios, a subsidiary of Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment, released the 11th installment in the saga. As a fan of the franchise I wish that I could give this game a good review, but I am sad to say that the game has one critical flaw: Sheeva, the four-armed half-woman, half-Shokan giantess is not dressed in a skimpy enough outfit.
When the video game arrived at my doorstep I couldn’t contain my excitement. As I dutifully streamed the unboxing of the game in my room, thoughts raced through my head of the fun that I would soon have. What new, horrific fatalities would this game feature? How many playable characters would there be? What kind of sexy outfit would the monstrous Sheeva be wearing. I got half-hard just imagining her braying animalistically as she dispatched her opponents, her undulating muscles glistening in sweat.
As I placed the disc into my gaming console, I entered the start menu and prepared myself to be amazed. When I reached the character select menu, I manipulated my joy-stick, making a beeline to Sheeva, the light of my life, my sin, my soul, the fire of my loins: Shee-va. Obviously I selected Sheeva. I would follow her to the fires of hell, but to my profound chagrin I soon noticed that her outfit was not nearly as revealing as the one-piece swimsuit she sported in MK 10. Here she was all covered up. What was this Saudi Arabia?
I am a simple man with simple tastes. I don’t require gourmet cuisine or fine wine. I eat chef Boyardee everyday for dinner. I don’t require fine clothes. My mom buys most of my apparel at Target. I don’t need to fly first class. In fact, I don’t even leave the house at all; I am what the Japanese refer to as a hikkikomori. The only thing I need is to see Sheeva the way she was meant to be seen. Tell me Netherrealm studios, just how am I supposed to beat off to this? I speak on behalf of all gamers when I confess that my depraved, infantile fantasies involving Sheeva stomping on me and crushing me like a bug and tearing me apart are my sole pleasure in this miserable, dreary life. Is it too much to ask that the programmers respect the wishes of consumers?
As I labored through the game playing as the conservatively dressed Sheeva, my disappointment only grew. Sheeva had absolutely zero facesitting related fatalities. With the night upon me I switched off my gaming console and logged on to my favorite internet gaming forum to fulminate on this development into the wee hours of the morning. I had a mind to dust off my C programming workbook and apply to a job in the gaming industry after years of hard work, but I’m also too lazy to do anything other than passively consume things and complain on the internet.
You know who’s to blame for all this? Feminists! Females have single-handedly taken over the gaming industry and have launched their own personal Jihad against white, heterosexual gamers. Sadism comes naturally to them and they are attuned to the passions and desires of basement-dwelling malcontents such as myself. Determined to thwart the morbid, bizarre sexual desires which all gamers share, they have conspired to render the burly, grotesque, sexpot avatars we gamers salivate over in drab, modest attire. After a long day of coding these shrews then return to their financially independent Chad boyfriends and laugh at us!
After long and careful thought on this matter I have concluded that I have no other recourse than to engage in far right politics and act abusively online forever!