Wayne Lapierre Tells NRA Members That Latte-Sipping New York Lawyers Are Persecuting Latte-Sipping New York NRA Officials
In a frantically worded mass email National Rifle Association CEO Wayne Lapierre warned members that liberal activist regulators are persecuting the gun-rights advocacy group. “Never before has the second amendment been in such danger. Liberal activist New York lawyers aided by Marxists in the media are working tirelessly to destroy the NRA and the American way of life. That is why we need your help. I realize that for hard-working, small-town Americans like you this is a hard ask, but if we don’t raise enough funds this quarter, the well-heeled New York P.R. executives we contract with will not be able to afford their next triple venti, half-sweet, non-fat, caramel macchiato”.
The appeal for donations came on the heels of a complaint by the gun rights group Everytown For Gun Safety regarding the tax-exempt status of the NRA and an investigation by the New York Attorney General’s office. Now a joint report by the Trace and the New Yorker alleges that the the non-profit organization had engaged in financial misconduct, allowing a small group of vendors and contractors to bilk the non-profit for hundreds of millions of dollars. Over the course of years, the NRA lavished officials associated with the P.R. firm Ackerman McQueen with princely salaries, luxury vacations and unlimited grande iced, sugar-free, vanilla, half-caff, soy lattes with extra whipped cream. The group- long associated with radical right-wing politics- is now facing an existential crisis as insolvency looms and commentators speculate that the NRA could lose its tax-exempt status.
“Aren’t you sick of latte-sipping, New York elites telling blue-collar folks like you how to live your life?” wrote Lapierre “if you don’t pitch in to help keep us afloat the low-T soy-boys will shut us down”. Lapierre assured voters that donations would only cover “the bear necessities” for NRA executives which he enumerated as legal fees, overhead and “Kopi Luwak” a rare and expensive coffee which sells for $100 a cup and is extracted from the feces of an Indonesian cat-like animal that exclusively feeds on coffee beans. Lapierre ended the letter by thanking the “dedicated and hardworking NRA staff members” before informing them that they would receive a pay-cut and will no longer be able to drink free coffee in the office due to budget concerns.