EON Productions Announces Next James Bond Will Be Gritty And realistic, Involuntarily Celibate
Executives at EON Productions have announced the James Bond franchise is taking a step into exciting new territory. Alfred E. Cauliflower a United Artists producer announced today that the next James Bond will be “grittier and more realistic”. “These are dark times”’Cauliflower told reporters at a gala ceremony celebrating 50 years of James Bond, “audiences are hungering for a 007 who speaks to the uncertainty we all feel in these uncertain times. Therefore we are proud to announce that the new James Bond will be involuntarily celibate”.
Cauliflower told reporters that fans can expect to see some big changes when the witty, debonair spy hits the silver screen. “He won’t be witty nor debonair nor even a spy for that matter! The next James Bond will just tell people he’s a spy because he’s deeply ashamed of being a 37 year old underemployed office temp”.
But what about the minor characters in the franchise we’ve come to love? They’ll all be there according to Cauliflower “Moneypenny will be there for sure, but Bond will be too afraid to talk to her due to his crippling social anxiety and fear of being falsely accused of rape in the era of Me too. In fact, Bond won’t have any affairs at all, but will just come home from his temp job everyday to an apartment he shares with four people he doesn’t know, walk straight to his room and masturbate there alone. There will be several scenes in which this happens. We’re trying to keep it gritty and realistic”.
With all these changes will audiences even recognize the British agent with a license to kill? Cauliflower certainly thinks so “It’s still the same Bond we know and love. He still has a weakness for Vodka martinis although you won’t see him drinking that many of them in this movie because he’s overweight and trying to cut down plus Alcohol doesn’t mix well with the anti-depressants he’s taking.”
Licensed to kill? Can you say “licensed to thrill?”