Joe Biden Seductively Whispers 2020 Campaign Announcement Into 14-Year-Old Girl’s Ear
In a video announcement former Vice-President Joe Biden formally declared his 2020 bid for the presidency by seductively whispering into a 14-year-old girl’s ear, sources say. The six-term senator and former right hand man to Barack Obama minced no words in his first pitch to primary voters delivered ever so gently into a young girl’s ear. Calling the upcoming election a “battle for the soul of the nation” Biden made an impassioned appeal for bipartisanship and unity before grabbing the first minor in site, pressing her head to his nostrils and breathing deeply, savoring the intoxicating aroma from her luxuriant curls before exhaling and saying “that’s good stuff”.
But while Joe Biden consistently polls ahead of other Democratic Party contenders, the 76-year-old politician faces an uphill battle. With 19 other contenders it remains to be seen whether middle-class Joe has the momentum to prevail in a fractious primary increasingly marked by bitter ideological divisions between mainstream, centrist candidates and the party’s emboldened progressive base. What’s more, Biden will have to prove his mettle when it comes to fundraising. Regardless of these challenges, Biden’s people are confident he has what it takes to make it to 1600 Pennsylvania avenue. “Biden is a political animal,” said Steve Richetti, a close personal advisor, “in fact, the political animal he most resembles is an aardvark. When he clasps young women to his bosom and huffs and puffs as if his life depends on it, what he is doing is raising money! Hidden between the follicles of beautiful young women everywhere lay treasures beyond the dreams of avarice!”
While activists and left-wing agitators dismiss Biden as a gaffe-prone political dinosaur with an appalling voting record whose performance in the Anita Hill hearing has not aged well, Party-insiders believe he has the name recognition and expertise to trounce Donald Trump and take back the White House. Michael Sozan, a senior fellow and the Center for American Progress certainly thinks so. “Joe Biden has ‘the touch’. A lot of people think the way you win elections is by offering substantive policies that can improve people’s lives, but that is not true. Biden knows all too well that you win elections by touching other men’s wives and invading the personal space of strange women across this great land”.