Opinion: It Is Time For Democrats To Give Young Progressive Leaders A Place Inside The Secret Pedophile Ring
As the dust settles from the historical Democratic gains in the house of representatives in what pundits have correctly called a “blue wave” a new generation of progressive young Democrats has entered politics with a bold agenda. As an experienced Democratic operative in what is often pejoratively referred to as the “establishment” wing of the party, I would like to strike a different chord than some of my colleagues. I think it’s fair to say that their electoral victories made possible through hard work are something to be celebrated and my colleagues should let these new leaders into the fold. As such, I propose that party insiders invite these young progressives into the secret, underground pedophile ring run by the party leadership.
Deep within the bowels of D.C. area pizza parlors exist pleasure chambers where Democratic leaders can experience ecstasy of near Elysian heights. As is well-known in beltway circles, we, the best and brightest, enjoy the pleasures of the flesh in these sex dungeons both to bond with our confreres in the ruling class as well as to hammer out deals in congress to increase crime and keep abortion legal forever. Tended by the most exquisite cherub-faced pleasure-boys, the cavernous network of baths located underneath most D.C. area pizza parlors are quite salubrious and aid us in maintaining our resolve to snatch whatever happiness still remains from the from the louche, troglodytic, white, male American worker. Surely, the new crop of incoming freshmen congressional representatives have earned a place at this banquet of carnal delights.
Now, I know that some of my colleagues will protest. Surely this new generation of Democratic Socialists led by the likes of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was elected to challenge the status quo. Surely, you will say, this new generation was elected to take on powerful interests groups like Big Pharma? Perhaps. But surely these political upstarts will change their tune once they can see for themselves how luxurious our sex dungeons are. No doubt, they will think twice about Big Pharma when they learn that Pfizer supplies us with only the most potent opiates gratis during our lurid, marathon sessions. Will they be able to resist when my very own slave-boy performs his tantalizing dance of the seven veils? I think not.