Egyptologists Unearth Well-Preserved, Totally Fuckable Mummy
Archaeologists have discovered a well-preserved ancient Egyptian Mummy in a tomb on the banks of the Nile River, the Egyptian Ministry of Antiquities said in a statement released today. The mummy was discovered in a 2,500-year-old tomb- located in Aswan by Egyptologists who noted that this particular specimen was particularly well-preserved and “supple”. Niles Ian Thorpleston, a British archaeologist in a statement announced that the cadaver probably dated back to the what historians refer to as the “late period” between 712 and 323 BCE and that the mummy, despite its age was “totally fuckable”.
Abdel Hafez Said, a spokesman for the Egyptian Ministry of Antiquities was overjoyed by the discovery. “I have never been this excited,” he said, “all my life I have dreamed of finding a mummy that was this intact and sexy. As soon as we pried open the sandstone sarcophagus and I could tell this thing was at least a 9. The moment the dust cleared, and I got a look at the mummy I was already half-hard”.
Indeed, the discovery has the world archaeology community elated and eagerly anticipating more information and high definition footage of the rare find. Princeton University Archaeology Professor Jonathan Chilton told reporters “God! What I would do for two minutes alone with that mummy! I feel like a school boy again. I haven’t felt this frisky since I saw King Tut in 1976!”
But while Egypt-lovers hunger for further news, specialists have cast doubt that the mummy, with its pouty lips and legs for days, will be ready for public viewing any time soon. For now, scientists are running tests “we still have much to learn and we must keep this specimen in a stable and controlled environment to prevent any further decay. While it is remarkably well-preserved some form of decomposition is inevitable for a mummy this old. That ass, though”.