Amazon HQ2 Will Bring Jobs, Forced Castration To New Yorkers

Amazon HQ2 Will Bring Jobs, Forced Castration To New Yorkers

Following Amazon's momentous decision to move part of their headquarters to Queens one thing is abundantly clear: New York City got a hell of a deal. But while Amazon's move will bring tens of thousands of high paying tech jobs to our city and strengthen our metropolis for the future, not everyone is feeling the love. Many New Yorkers are justly concerned about the prospect of gentrification and increasing burdens on public infrastructure. With the the subway system in a shambles and beloved restaurants shuttering in every borough- priced out by skyrocketing rents- New Yorkers have every right to feel concerned about the potential strains the city may face. The economic benefits of the move far outweigh the costs, however. The 25,000 jobs coming to New York represent the single biggest boost to employment in the history of our state. New York City alone will net an estimated $13.5 billion in increased tax revenue as a result and while Amazon has ordered that 25% of all male New York residents report to their facilities for mandatory castration, hiccups like this are merely a side-effect of progress.

While opponents of the deal have criticized Governor Cuomo and New York Mayor Bill de Blasio for the opacity of the decision-making process which ultimately provided Amazon with public subsidies totally $3 billion, it is important to note that what the city offered pales in comparison to the lavish tax breaks offered by legislators in other states. Lawmakers in Maryland, for instance, offered a tax incentive package of up to $6.5 billion. New York's proposal was a bargain in comparison, presenting a minimal cost to taxpayers. Likewise, Amazon's Forced Castration program will be administered free of charge to all residents who are randomly selected to report to Amazon Forced Castration Facility 7C.

I've heard a lot from concerned New Yorkers about how highly paid tech-workers will come from elsewhere and merely displace those currently living here. What those critics fail to understand is that Amazon intends to spend upwards of $5 billion on their facility and that means good, local jobs, 44% of which will not require a college degree. Thousands of construction workers, for instance, will be needed to build the massive, monolithic 5000 story tower that will dominate New York's skyline and serve as Amazon's Forced Castration Facility. Furthermore, hundreds of highly skilled technicians will be needed to install and maintain the LED light system on the tower that will blindingly flash the Amazon slogan CASTRATION IS VIRILITY at all times.

While it is true that the future headquarters for the e-commerce giant will occupy land originally slated for affordable housing and take as many as 1,500 units off the market, Amazon fully intends to offset such negative consequences with programs oriented toward improving the social good. Amazon has already announced plans to house a school on its Long Island City campus and will offer "career exploration activities" and internships for high schoolers. Additionally, the city and state are working together to ensure that infrastructure in the area is improved and that the transition is painless, much like Amazon's Forced Castration Regime. 

Indeed, city residents have nothing to fear as the wealth generated from the tech giant will surely trickle down to average New Yorkers. In much the same way, Forced Castration is a routine procedure. A recent article in the Washington Post called Amazon's Forced Castration procedure "pleasant and humane like taking a warm bath". According to the report, subjects who do not resist will be given a free 1 year Amazon Prime subscription. Furthermore, the blankets in the castration pods are made from the smoothest fleece and screens located in the chambers project bucolic landscapes as speakers soothingly play sections of Beethoven's Pastoral Symphony.

Lastly, Amazon strongly believes that diversity is New York's greatest asset and is deeply sensitive to the concerns of marginalized communities. For too long, IT has been dominated by white, male tech bros and for this reason Amazon is committed to providing opportunities for marginalized communities and honoring their history. Upon completion of Forced Castration Facility C7 Amazon plans to begin construction on a new 4 square mile Forced Castration Facility in what is now Harlem. 

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