Yale Classmate Accuses Brett Kavanaugh Of"Blatant Mischaracterization" About Masturbating In A Coffin

Yale Classmate Accuses Brett Kavanaugh Of"Blatant Mischaracterization" About Masturbating In A Coffin

As debate continues to rage concerning Brett Kavanaugh's appointment to the Supreme Court, the personal life of the 53-year-old jurist has come under intense scrutiny. In a riveting hearing that shook the nation, Dr. Christine Blasey Ford accused the prospective justice of sexual assault while Kavanaugh vehemently denied the allegations in tearful and at times raging testimony. With the confirmation vote delayed for one week pending an FBI investigation, commentators have re-examined the culture of partying, binge-drinking and sexual misconduct along with the confluence of power and privilege at elite educational institutions. In the wake of these events old acquaintances of Kavanaugh have come out of the woodworks and cast doubt on aspects of his testimony. One Yale classmate Henry A. Winthorpe IV, a fraternity brother at Delta Kappa Epsilon, states "it was a blatant lie when Brett told the Senate he never masturbated in a coffin".

Winthorpe, a class of 1987 Yale Alumnus and successful arms dealer who knew Kavanaugh at the prestigious university, claims that masturbating in coffins was commonplace at elite fraternities. "We all masturbated in coffins. Brett was no exception," the 12th generation Yale legacy observed as he took a sip from a dry martini. "It was our initiation ritual for pledges. Indeed, having a spot of fun in the eternity-box was the only way for a chap to prove his mettle and show that he had the dash-fire to be a Yale man," Winthorpe said.

And who can blame Yale's best and brightest for indulging in the macabre past time? Given the rigorous academic demands of the university, masturbating in coffins has long been recognized as a necessary way for students to "blow off steam". "It's become a tradition of sorts," says Yale sophomore Arthur Wang. "We work hard, we play hard. Just because we jerk off in coffins every weekend, doesn't mean we are slackers! I'm on the dean’s list and plan on graduating Phi Beta Kappa. What does it matter if I let my hair down after exams and jack off 6 or 7 times in a coffin? Sure, someone has to clean it up, but that's what the custodial staff is for".

For generations masturbating in coffins was practically a requirement at Yale as it was considered essential to instill in young men the principles of leadership. Samuel Morse is said to have invented the telegraph while masturbating in a coffin at Yale. Class of 1878 alum William Howard Taft, who would go to become a president and Supreme Court justice was known by his peers as "the casket king". And Merrill Lynch executive Herbert Allison claims to have forged lifelong friendships with key players in finance during the frequent bacchanalian orgies routinely held deep within the Yale catacombs.

In recent times masturbating in coffins has come under criticism, however. Until now, many would dismiss masturbating in coffins as "harmless fun". Who can forget the hilarious scene in "Animal House" when John Belushi masturbated in a coffin? Boys will be boys. But in the era of me too the tide is turning. Prominent men at the pinnacle of achievement in every field are being brought down, by credible allegations. Perhaps for the first time, sexual assault is being taken seriously and masturbating in a coffin is seen as "creepy". Will the practice disappear? Pre-law major and Yale Young Republican Club president Bernard A. Witherspoon IV hopes not "it is a shame what they are doing to Brett Kavanaugh. There is nothing wrong with masturbating in a coffin". Witherspoon added that he hopes to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court one day.

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