A Futile, Stupid Gesture: Republicans Pull Desperate All-Nighter to Finish Healthcare Bill

A Futile, Stupid Gesture: Republicans Pull Desperate All-Nighter to Finish Healthcare Bill

With the clock ticking on Republican promises to repeal and replace Obama Care, the GOP has drawn ire from critics who regard the bill as needlessly cruel. Senate lawmakers have drawn further criticism for their lack of transparency after forming a “double secret” committee to debate the details of healthcare reform. What’s more, the all male committee has been dismissed as a “boys club” unconcerned with women’s health issues and has been accused of taking liberties with female guests during its raucous keggers.

“The Republicans are the worst party on Capitol Hill”, says consumer advocate Ralph Nader. “Who started the Iraq war? Who poisoned American political discourse with racially divisive invective? Every year defense appropriations increase, every spring the toilets explode”.

But despite calls to revoke their charter and opposition from the snobby members of Democrat House, Republicans have pressed on with the AHCA and are “burning the mid-night oil”, sources say.

“Toss me another Four Loko, Mitch”, says Senator Dan Sullivan (R, AK) “we still have a shot of getting this bill through”.

“Dude, click ‘select all’ and then increase every period to point 13 font size. It adds like five pages every time. If that doesn’t work I can just say my grandmother died, that should buy us a few days” Senator Ted Cruz (R, TX) suggested.

“Oh no! The numbers just came back from the CBO! Our plan is going to leave 22 million uninsured.  We’re gonna’ lose the midterms… it’s over” lamented Senator Rand Paul (R, KY).

“Over? Nothing is over until we sat it is! Was it over when the German’s bombed Pearl Harbor?” Senator Tom Cotton, known affectionately to his colleagues as “Stoner”, interjected.

“Well” Paul replied “How are we gonna’ fix this?”

And then without missing a beat, Dan Sullivan confidently retorted “Simple: Toga party.”

“Toga!” Screamed Stoner.

“I don’t know if the optics are right for a toga party now, Stoner” said Paul.

“Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga!” Stoner continued.

“Well the people have spoken!” Concluded Sullivan triumphantly. “We’ll need to get some beer”.

“I think I can get some kegs from the AMA”, said Cruz “They love me over there.”

 

While the details of the bill remain up in the air for the time being, there is widespread bi-partisan agreement on the prudence of having a toga party. Representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D, FL), dressed in a very creative homemade female toga echoed this sentiment “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, we’re all Americans and I’m happy to work with the other side when they have good ideas. Plus this punch is so delicious. It’s making me feel funny”, she added before hiccupping. Meanwhile outside a group of disabled activists picketed in favor of single-payer, but their chants were drowned out by the sound of Louie Louie, which played on a continuous loop throughout the night.

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