The Politics of Impotence has Failed: Toward Erect Fingers in Electoral Strategy

The Politics of Impotence has Failed: Toward Erect Fingers in Electoral Strategy

Still reeling from their cataclysmic loss in the 2016 presidential election, Democrats continue to debate the future of their party. A generational gap has also altered the playing field as many younger voters have expressed dissatisfaction with the Democratic leadership. Invigorated by the candidacy of Senator Bernie Sanders, younger voters increasingly wish the Democrats would adopt more left-wing positions in contrast to the centrist policies favored by party insiders. The debate within the party has become fiercer still on the question of whether to continue using the limp-dicked thumb gesture favored by centrist politicians.

It is widely agreed among beltway insiders that the ineffectual limp-dicked thumb gesture is the gold standard in electoral optics. “There is widespread consensus among experts that voters connect with the effeminate thumb-gesture”, said Ezra Klein while gesticulating effeminately. “The common man appreciates the effete, weak-handed fist. The gesture connotes pragmatism and cowardice. The sort of stuff this country was founded on”. But some feel that the pathetic gesture has taken the party away from its finger-wagging past.

Thrusting his finger violently into the air Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders proclaimed, “the current model and current strategy of the Democratic party is an absolute failure” at the People’s Summit to orgiastic applause. “Young people are working longer hours for less money and Democrats continue to use this limp-dicked thumb thing. Well the time has come to say: enough is enough! If we stand together we can put an end to this limp-dicked craven, crapola”. Hanging on his every word, the young activists from all over the country swooned as he advocated a single-payer system. “You like that don’t ya?” he said, pointing his finger.

“It’s refreshing to see someone who is not ashamed to point the finger”, said Laura Kaminskey an attendee at the conference. “I want a politician who doesn’t just spout platitudes, but speaks to my concerns while pointing his finger in the air like Socrates in the famous painting by Jacques Louis David”. And she is not alone. Campuses report greater interest in finger wagging, sources say. This outpouring of support for violent finger jabbing in politics is credited with the unexpected surge in support for Sanders explains former campaign chief Jeff Weaver, pointing his finger confidently “The old politics is finished. Americans expect their leaders to proudly point their fingers in the air like a Fidel Castro or Gamal Abdel Nasser would”. Seated in his leather chair, solemnly looking toward the future Weaver mused, “I am a Nasserist”.

But Democratic insiders have not been receptive to the new politics of strident finger pointing. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer regards the finger pointing as the “flavor of the month” and said that brash hand gestures have no future in politics. “We looked at the data” Schumer explains “and for every virile, young buck we lose, we gain two impotent suburban Republicans who drive SUVs”.

Robbie Mook, the former Clinton campaign director agrees. “We prefer a strategy of softening. The flaccid thumb gesture isn’t going anywhere. I never have been in a fistfight before. When I was in high school I would feebly employ the thumb technique as I pleaded with my tormentors to leave me be. It worked for me then and it will work for us now”.

Such sentiments are shared by senior leaders in the party who have doubled down on using the gesture. In order to win back the House in 2018, Democrats will have to appeal to conservatives in the party, the so-called “Blue Ball Democrats”. However, in Georgia’s recent special election, Jon Ossof, a favorite of the limp-dick wing of the party came up short despite record campaign contributions. “I’m so frustrated!” said an exasperated Ossof holding back tears. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi later assured Ossof that things like this happen to everyone and it was not his fault.   

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