Paul Ryan Celebrates Passage of AHCA with Mass Human Sacrifice

Paul Ryan Celebrates Passage of AHCA with Mass Human Sacrifice

In celebration of the passage of the American Healthcare Act by the House of Representatives an ebullient Paul Ryan announced the mass human sacrifice of 80,000 elderly and uninsured Americans. Paying homage to “Our Lord the Flayed One” on the blood soaked steps of the Capitol, Speaker Ryan appeared wearing the skin of a freshly slaughtered diabetic veteran after a macabre and atavistic ceremony. “The flesh of my adversaries gives me divine powers,” Ryan stated.

After the ritual sacrifice of several hundred dogs, jaguars and eagles by EPA Director Scott Pruitt, Ryan produced an obsidian blade before commencing the rite to appease the cruel and capricious Texcatlipoca, God of war, discord and the free market. One by one, Ryan dispatched the victims with his glistening obsidian blade, extracting their round, hot and pulsating hearts before sending their corpses tumbling down the steps where a hungry Chris Christie awaited them.

During the ceremony, House Democrats were heard singing “na, na, na, na, hey, hey, hey, goodbye!” Democrats widely believe the sacrifices could backfire among voters, helping them to win back congress in 2018.

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