5 Cocktails You're Too Unrefined to Appreciate

5 Cocktails You're Too Unrefined to Appreciate

5 cocktails you’re too unrefined to appreciate

A new craze is sweeping the nation. That craze is craft cocktails, but you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you? You probably guzzle down mass market domestic beer by the gallon, while mangy dogs scurry through your filthy and lugubrious hut. Spot is a member of the family, after all. You disgust me. Far be it from me to try to educate the unwashed masses on the joys of mixology, but the editors of this publication have commissioned me to do just that. A coarse, crass, tatterdemalion wage earner like yourself is probably incapable of appreciating the finer things in life. Nevertheless, I will do my best to try to get this through your thick Irish skull. Let us proceed.

1.     Pimm’s cup.

“Could I have a Milwaukee’s Best?” Pish-posh! Such questions offend our delicate sensibilities here! Besides it’s Wimbledon and the Duke of Queensberry is within ear shot! Perhaps you should just leave. You’ve worn out your wekcome and your really NQOCD: Not Quite Our Class Darling.

2.     Fance Free

Sometimes you want a cocktail that says “I’m not a greasy thug with a last name that ends in a vowel.” For that occasion this cocktail screams class. Created by the world famous Erik Lombardo at the Maialino in New York, this stabbingly delicious cocktail showcases the earthy funk of the liqueur adding depth to the bourbon. This drink is perfect for the cold weather, however you are not on the list and we would prefer it if you waited outside.

3.     Chicago Fizz

The Chicago fizz is the Windy City’s contribution to mixology and this drink was no doubt a smash among the sophisticates of Frank Lloyd Wright’s part of town. One way or another this drink found its way to the Waldorf Astoria bar in New York where it remains a signature cocktail, but I’m afraid you can’t come in sir. We have a strict no-baseball cap policy.

4.     Caipirinha

In the words of Charles De Gaulle “Brazil is the country of the future and always will be”, but despite their irrelevance, the people of Brazil have managed to produce a decent cocktail. In a country known mostly for its blinkered ignorance and superstitious customs, the Caipirinha remains the towering achievement of this vast country.

5.     Penicillin

A true gentleman should never have to worry about his balance, so perhaps this drink is not your speed. I know of a shop down the road that sells cheap wine. Perhaps you can find something there that suits you and join those ruffians in the alley. They’re warming themselves in the glow of that trashcan fire. 

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