Hillary Clinton Dies Penniless in Squalid Paris Hotel
The former Secretary of State and disgraced presidential candidate has died in Paris, France, American Carnage has learned. Following a fatal brain hemorrhage, she was found dead in a single room at the Hôtel d’Alsace, a crumbling edifice in the 10th arrondissement.
After her humiliating defeat in the much-sensationalized 2016 Presidential election, she is reported to have moved to Paris in self-exile, sources say. Todd Williams, a senior policy analyst at the Rand Corporation says that she took to drink and that by January of 2017 she had “switched from brandy to absinthe”.
“She wrote a little here and there, a position paper on health-care, an outline of foreign policy objectives, but nothing serious. Overall, the loss was just too great for her to bear and in the end she succumbed to what can only be called the voluptuousness of despair”
Sightings of Ms. Clinton in the bars and cafes of Paris were rare, claims waiter Matthieu Bourdillon. “She looked haggard. From time to time she ordered beer or wine, but would vanish as soon as she was recognized”.
Ms. Clinton is reported to have subsisted on a paltry stipend of $200 a month that the banking institution Goldman Sachs begrudgingly and abashedly rendered to her out of a sense of loyalty. Abandoned by even the most fervent admirers of her circle, she was known to occasionally surface in public to ask old donors for money when she was short on rent. Former backers would quickly acquiesce, less motivated by pity than by a fear of being scandalized if they were seen in her company.
Her neighbors in the Hôtel d’Alsace regarded her as an eccentric. “She was always talking about the village, something about a village. It takes a village. I don’t know”, said Jean-Phillip Michel Baptiste Lefebre, a pimp and fellow tenant. “She said that she almost became the president of the United States, but none of us believed her. When I met her she was missing her two front teeth. All Americans have perfect teeth, no?” Jacques David Bertand David, a rent-boy and male prostitute, thought of her as an enigma “In her last days she affected a Parisian accent. She was from everywhere and nowhere and in the end unknowable”.
The stresses of her life and sporadic episodes of penury soon took a toll on her health and she fell ill. On her deathbed she is reported to have converted to Catholicism and no doubt this brought her some solace in her last hours. Fr. Michel Faucheux attests to having administered the last sacraments and reports that although she was drifting in and out of consciousness, she understood them. In fits of delirium Fr. Faucheux reports hearing her say, “Although divisions run deep I believe we can overcome our differences and come together better and stronger than before”. In her last words she said, “America is still the greatest country on Earth and it’s still the place where anyone can beat the odds” as a blood vessel burst in her brain and vital fluid and debris exploded across the room.
A memorial service will be held this Wednesday. Attempts are in the works to raise enough funds for a headstone. Pickpockets, thugs and campaign surrogate David Brock will be in attendance. The passing of Clinton largely went unnoticed by mainstream media. Upon hearing of the demise of his former rival, President Trump tweeted “CROOKED Hillary Clinton made a lot of mistakes and they caught up with her. She died like she lived, among criminals. Sad!”