65 Year Old Schizophrenic Man Roughed up by Irish Brawler in Dublin Youth Hostel
An American paranoid schizophrenic and presidential candidate on the Peace, Love and Progress Party ticket was pummeled today by an enraged Irishman outside a dingy youth hostel in the suburbs of Dublin. David Hutner, founder of a new social science detailed in such works as “Decoding the Deluge” was found prostrate in an alley outside the Oscar Wilde Youth Hostel, sources said.
Arriving in Ireland to flee from the CIA and promote his book “Irish Mythology: Passageway to Prehistory” Hutner, 65, checked into the hostel on the seedier end of O’Connel street earlier this morning. Placing his backpack on the beer-soaked foosball table in the common room, the twice-divorced author and law school dropout proceeded to discourse on his theories of the universe before an audience of troubled, wayward youths from the farthest reaches of Europe and beyond.
“The universal mental illness that severely hinders learning is latent homosexuality. This illness only afflicts the rich and powerful. It is the cryptic subject of George Orwell’s novel ‘1984’. As all my books reveal, Jesus was only a mythological figure, while Orwell uncovered the true reality and literally died for our sins” Hutner stated as Turkish students played darts and Estonian lesbians made out aggressively. “The diseases of homophobia and latent homosexuality are the bi-products of post-flood monogamy, which is why the richness of Irish mythology holds the antediluvian key for civilization!” Hutner continued, drawing the ire of Connor O’Dwyer, 35, a bouncer and former amateur boxer from Cork.
“Listen mate!”, O’Dwyer bellowed “me and me mates is right near knackered after a night on the lash and we done had enough of yer blo’ee theories!” To which Hutner replied “Perhaps you are a latent homosexual, Connor”. Hearing this, O’Dwyer shook with rage and the shamrock tattoo on his left bicep began to undulate, witnesses report. Lunging toward the former presidential candidate, O’Dwyer performed a simple one-two combination which Hutner was able to feebly parry, before landing a left jab to the gut and then finishing him off with a beautiful uppercut.
After police arrived Hutner declined to file a report, believing the officers to be affiliated with the CIA.