Soothsayer Warns Trump to Beware Ides of March
Fearing reports that Democratic Senators are plotting his assassination, President Trump consulted a soothsayer, American Carnage has learned. While the president has offered no evidence of a conspiracy, his concerns appear to have been provoked by an article published last Thursday on Breitbart Media.
Skipping an intelligence briefing, the embattled dictator rei gerundae causa was seen this morning visiting the Temple of Saturn on the sacred banks of the Potomac River. The high priestess Vipsania Agrippina, an ancient and austere haruspex and trusted advisor to presidents since the Reagan administration, agreed to a meeting after being made aware of the First Lady’s troubled dreams. In an elaborate Etruscan ceremony, Agrippina, widely respected in Washington and admired by beltway insiders on both sides of the aisle, inspected the entrails of a freshly slaughtered ewe before warning Trump that “great harm” would come to him no later than March 15th.
The prognostication enraged the president who denounced the divination as “fake news” and took to Twitter this afternoon to call the vestal virgin “ugly and overrated”. The comments provoked outrage from Democratic Senators and measured criticism from GOP leaders. Senator Lindsay Graham (R, SC) called the remarks “unfortunate”, stating “it’s alarming to have a president say these kinds of things. Such comments diminish us in the eyes of our allies and undermine the polytheistic foundations of our republic”.
Analysts report that the latest gaffe does not bode well for the administration. Political Scientist Douglas Briggs, a fellow at the Brookings Institute, noted “statements such as these do little good for an unpopular president. While there usually is a ‘honeymoon period’ after the sacrifice to Jupiter Optimus Maximus, polls show the President has historically low approval numbers. Continued controversy weakens his political capital at a time when he is trying to carry out an ambitious agenda to invade the Parthian Empire and construct a wall on the southern border to protect us from the barbarian hordes”.
Returning to the White House, Trump offered no apology. Meanwhile Senators were seen huddling furtively in the Capitol.